No girl would consider the time she walked in on her boyfriend watching porn to be one of the top five best moments of their relationship. Even so, the fact that your boyfriend watches porn may make you feel insecure, upset, or as if it is a threat to your relationship. It is up to you to assess your values and decide whether porn is “ok” or “not okay.” Watching porn is a common pastime for both men and women, not just men. It is critical to understand this if you are to accept your boyfriend’s interest in pornography. This article is for people who do not consider porn to be a deal breaker and want to incorporate porn into their relationship.
Part 1: Changing Your Mindset
1. Discuss it with your boyfriend. Have an open and honest conversation about how his pornography affects you. Tell him what you’re thinking and feeling, express your concerns, and ask him about his views on pornography. You’ll feel better if you express your emotions and tell him what you’re thinking and feeling. If he respects you, he will respect your opinions and take the time to listen to them. If you’re worried that he’s aroused for the wrong reasons, you can even question him about why he’s watching it.
Just keep in mind that many men regard porn watching as a very private activity, similar to masturbation, and your boyfriend may not want to discuss every detail with you.
If you can both be open and understanding of one another, it’s a good sign that you can grow intimately together with or without porn.
2. Don’t try to prohibit it, but instead establish each other’s relationship boundaries. Unfortunately, if you know you don’t like porn and try to prevent your significant other from watching it, you may develop a habit of being the “porn police.” This behaviour creates distrust in the relationship and may cause him to hide his porn use from you, or it may cause tension and discomfort when discussing the subject. If you are okay with the porn, the idea of preventing him from watching it should not occur to you. If it’s only certain types of porn that irritate you, make sure to discuss it with him and explain why it makes you feel the way you do. If you’re unsure, imagine yourself watching porn, or perhaps you already do. If you can understand why he may be watching porn or why you enjoy watching porn, you can mutually grow and incorporate porn into your sex life. Before you act, consider your feelings. If you feel tempted to snoop or look through his search history, you may discover even more distrust and dishonesty at the end of the road. If your boyfriend is okay with you watching porn, and he thinks it is okay for him to watch porn, the two of you can have a more open discussion about how you can incorporate it into your bedroom and fulfil each other’s fantasies.
Porn is an addictive substance, and if you believe he has an issue based on how the porn affects your relationship, he must also see that. If he agrees with you and wants to stop using porn not only for the sake of the relationship, but also for his own sake. You can grow together, though it will be difficult, and the use of counselling, couples counselling, or online programmes like No Fap will be extremely beneficial. If your boyfriend does not agree with you and how you feel, he will most likely do nothing to change, and you will be unable to change him no matter how hard you try.
He will still masturbate and have fantasies if he chooses not to use porn. It is not reasonable to consider prohibiting porn in order to make your boyfriend only think of you sexually. Men and women both fantasise about people who are not their lover; it could be movie stars, real-life people, a cartoon, or anything else… It is hypocritical to believe that you have control over your fantasies while he does not.
3. During your time together, try not to be paranoid. Understand that when you and your boyfriend are hanging out watching TV, going for a run, or having a romantic dinner, you may have thoughts about porn, and you may wonder if he is thinking about porn while you spend time together. For men, porn is typically used as a non-attachment and impersonal fulfilment of pleasure, separate from the relationship. Enjoy every moment you have with your boyfriend, and know that he is doing the same.
4. Define the term “cheating” for yourself. You either don’t consider porn to be cheating, or you do. Some men and women are uncomfortable with porn and are aware of how they feel about it while in a relationship. If you are uncomfortable and believe that his excitement at watching other women engage in sexual acts is a form of cheating, it is possible that you are not okay with the porn. Do not feel obligated to rationalise his porn use or dismiss your feelings. If you don’t think it’s cheating, you probably just think of it as a fun movie, the videos don’t endanger your relationship, and cheating is something you can only do with a real person. Your definition of cheating is important, and understanding your partner’s definition of cheating will help you feel more secure in your relationship or identify areas where you and your partner will need to compromise.
5. Consider whether you have any reservations about having porn in your relationship. Communicate if your values do not align with the type of porn he watches. If you feel like the porn has a negative impact on your trust in him (especially if he was hiding it from you), understand that the porn may not be the main issue to deal with; rather, dishonesty may be the main issue to deal with. It is critical to understand your own feelings and beliefs, and to consider whether you can see yourself in a long-term relationship with your partner while not having an issue with porn. It’s critical to be honest with yourself and with your partner.
If porn triggers you and causes insecurity because it takes you back to your past, you may want to look deeper into yourself to see if porn is the issue or if there is trauma you need to work through. If you’re having trouble sorting through your feelings about porn, reaching out to an understanding friend may be beneficial. If you are unable to consult a friend, there is professional help or advice available both online and in person. It is normal to feel okay with porn and then feel uncomfortable with it. People change all the time, and it can be difficult to get to know yourself while also getting to know another person in a relationship.
Identify your insecurities; if any of them are directly related to porn and the nature of porn, you may not be comfortable with porn. If your insecurities stem from dishonesty, trust, or intimacy, you should consider avoiding pornography as an irritant to the underlying issue.
If you have had a cheating boyfriend in the past, or if your boyfriend has cheated on you, you may believe that porn is a gateway to cheating, or that he is still cheating on you.
Taking Action in Part 2
1. Determine whether he has a genuine aversion to pornography. There is a distinction to be made between being a casual porn viewer and having a porn addiction. If your boyfriend is obsessed with watching porn and sneaks away to watch it whenever he can, he may be suffering from a porn addiction and should seek help. Though this is not always the case, it is important to be aware that it is a possibility.
Consider whether his porn habits are affecting your relationship, replacing the time he spends with you, and making it difficult to be romantically involved in general. If this is the case, you may have a serious problem on your hands and should talk about next steps.
2. Think about watching porn with him. While this isn’t for every couple, if you don’t find porn morally objectionable and have never watched it before, or if you’ve seen it before and are curious about what it’s like to watch porn as a couple, see if you and your boyfriend can have a kinky time watching porn together. Your boyfriend might not think this is a good idea, and if he does, you shouldn’t press him too hard on it. And if you do watch it with him, do so for the sheer pleasure of watching something sexy with him, not to gauge his reaction to see how much he truly enjoys it. As a result, he will be self-conscious and unlikely to enjoy himself.
3. Make an attempt to use porn to discuss your boyfriend’s sexual fantasies. Many men claim that they watch porn as a form of escape and that they would never do the same things with their girlfriend as they see on television. Even if it’s just some harmless role playing or some time spent having sex in a new position or making out in a new location, the stuff he watches on porn can sometimes make him yearn for something with you. Discuss it with him to see if the conversation can take your relationship to a new level.
If you press him, your boyfriend may want something in the bedroom but be too shy to ask. Of course, this does not imply that you must do anything that makes you uncomfortable. The truth is that a lot of porn objectifies women, and you don’t have to do anything that makes you feel inferior or worthless.
You can also use this as an opportunity to tell your boyfriend about any fantasies you may be having.
This isn’t to say that your boyfriend will be overjoyed if you ask him what he’s watching during his porn solo sessions. It may make him feel uneasy, which is understandable.
4. Talk about your next steps. After you’ve had an open and honest discussion about watching pornography, you and your boyfriend can decide on the next steps. Here are some options for you to consider:
Breaking apart. Though breaking up over your boyfriend watching a lot of porn is not a common reason for a breakup, it can be an indicator of larger issues that have brought the relationship to a point where it is beyond repair.
We’re all watching it together. If you don’t find porn offensive and want to know what makes your boyfriend tick, this could be a good option for you. Just make sure he’s at ease with it.
If that’s what you really want, have your boyfriend try to watch less porn, or not when there’s a chance you’ll walk in on him. Though you don’t want to force your boyfriend to limit his desires or become overly secretive around you, this may be the best option you can think of.
5. Seek the help of a relationship counsellor if necessary. If your boyfriend has a porn addiction and you want to help him overcome it, you can go to a counsellor together or have him go to a counsellor on his own. Alternatively, your conversation about porn may reveal larger issues in your relationship, such as infidelity or insecurity. If this is the case, you may need to seek outside assistance with your relationship.
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