Knowing or suspecting that your girlfriend no longer loves you can be heartbreaking and frustrating. While you can’t change or control how your girlfriend feels about you, there are things you can do to help save the relationship. Communicate openly with your girlfriend about your current situation and what you can both do to improve it. Compassion, intimacy, and romantic gestures can help you rekindle your old feelings for each other. If you don’t think you can solve the problem on your own, consider couples counselling or individual therapy.
Method 1: Resolving Relationship Issues
1. Discuss what went wrong with your girlfriend. If you want to mend your relationship with your girlfriend, you must first determine why she feels the way she does. Ask her if she would mind sitting down with you and having a heart-to-heart about how she is feeling and what you can both do to make it better.
If you and your girlfriend have been arguing, wait until both of you have calmed down before having a conversation. Attempting to communicate while both of you are upset may result in more fighting and resentment.
You could begin by telling her how you feel, then invite her to share her thoughts. To express your emotions, use “I” language. For example, “I’ve been feeling unloved lately, and I’m afraid we’re drifting apart.” “How do you feel about what’s going on between us?”
Try to remain calm and civil, and actively listen to what she has to say.
2. Avoid blaming your girlfriend for relationship problems. When things go wrong, it’s all too easy to point fingers. Instead of blaming her for your problems, listen to what she has to say with an open mind. You may realise that you’ve been misinterpreting her words and actions once you give her a chance to speak.
Even if your girlfriend is partly to blame for things going sour between you, blaming her will only put her on the defensive and create a bigger schism between you.
Placing all of the blame on her removes your agency in the relationship and makes it more difficult for you to focus on making things better.
3. Accept responsibility and apologise for your own errors. Acknowledge your errors to your girlfriend calmly and apologise without making excuses or attempting to justify yourself. Keep in mind that accepting responsibility does not imply blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. It simply entails reflecting on your own actions and admitting that you may have done things that contributed to the schism between the two of you.
For example, you could say, “You’re right, I haven’t been paying as much attention to you lately as I should have.” I got too caught up in my own projects and didn’t think about your needs. I apologise, and I promise to do better from now on.”
Avoid apologising in a way that blames your girlfriend or justifies your actions. Don’t say things like, “I’m sorry, but you shouldn’t have frustrated me like that.”
4. Validate her emotions. Listening to what your girlfriend has to say about her feelings can be difficult, but it’s a good thing if she’s willing to open up to you. Let her know you understand how she feels and that you respect her right to do so. That will go a long way toward demonstrating to her how much you care about her and the relationship.
Try “reflecting” her feelings back to her in your own words to demonstrate that you understand how she feels.
If she complains that you spend too much time watching TV instead of spending quality time with her, say something like, “It sounds like you feel lonely and frustrated when I watch TV in the evenings instead of sitting down to chat with you over dinner.”
5. Come up with solutions as a group. Once you’ve identified the major issues causing friction between you and your girlfriend, ask her if she’d be willing to sit down with you and discuss what you can both do to make things better. You can contribute your own ideas, but be sure to solicit her feedback and pay close attention to what she has to say.
For example, if she is frustrated because she feels she is doing too much work in the relationship, discuss ways to more evenly divide your responsibilities. You could, for example, offer to take turns cooking or washing the dishes.
6. Make a commitment to change and stick to it. Recognizing where you need to improve and promising to work on them will not suffice. You must demonstrate to your girlfriend that you are truly ready to make a change through your actions. Make specific promises and then keep them.
For example, perhaps your girlfriend has difficulty trusting you because you have been untrustworthy in the past. Make a point of establishing consistent behaviour patterns in the future—for example, if you say you’ll be home at a certain time, make sure you’re there!
If you make a mistake, admit it and apologise right away.
7. Recognize her need for privacy. If things are really bad between you and your girlfriend, she might not even want to talk right now. If she doesn’t want to talk, don’t force it—she’ll end up feeling suffocated and resentful. Instead, reach out to her and tell her you’re available to talk whenever she’s ready, then back off and leave her alone.
You could say something like, “I understand that you don’t want to talk about it right now.” I just wanted to let you know how much I love you and how much I want us to make this work if at all possible. If you want to talk, I’ll be there.”
8. Accept the possibility that you will not be able to save the relationship. Keep in mind that you have no control over what your girlfriend does or how she feels about you. All you can do is express your feelings to her and do your best to demonstrate that you are willing to work on making things better.
Respect your girlfriend’s decision if she decides to end your relationship. Lashing out or pursuing her when she has asked you to leave her alone will not make her more likely to give things another chance.
Method 2: Rekindling Your Relationship
1. Inquire with your girlfriend about how you can make her feel loved. If your girlfriend is withdrawing from you, it could be because she feels unloved herself. Communicate openly with her and ask her what you can do to show her affection in a way she will appreciate.
Because every woman is unique, don’t assume you know what she wants or needs. She might want more physical affection, or she might want you to spend more time with her discussing her favourite books. You’ll never know unless you ask!
2. Every day, give her genuine compliments. In a relationship, everyone wants to feel appreciated, loved, and desired. Reminding your girlfriend of all the things you like about her is one way to rekindle her interest in your relationship.
Make an effort not to focus solely on the surface, such as her appearance. Your girlfriend will probably appreciate hearing that you think she’s beautiful, but don’t forget to compliment her on who she is as a person as well.
You could compliment her on her personality, her achievements, or even your memories of your time together and what they mean to you.
3. Make romantic gestures throughout the year, not just on Valentine’s Day. Consider the activities you and your girlfriend engaged in during the early stages of your relationship, when things were exciting and new. Doing these things again can help rekindle old feelings and demonstrate that you are still interested in making the relationship enjoyable and joyful.
You could, for example, try surprising your girlfriend with a gift or taking her back to the location of your first date.
More practical gestures can also be romantic, such as cooking her favourite meal or offering to give her a massage after a long day at work.
4. Be intimate without the expectation of sex. If you want sex all the time, your girlfriend may begin to see intimacy as a chore. Allow her some space, but don’t be afraid to show her affection with other gestures such as hugging, cuddling, kissing, or holding hands. You may notice that she becomes more interested in sex after you stop attempting to initiate it as frequently.
You might also find it beneficial to have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about what you both expect from your sex life. Knowing what she likes and dislikes can help you improve your intimate moments and connect on a deeper level.
5. Demonstrate a genuine interest in the issues she cares about. Take the time to get to know your girlfriend and learn about her values and interests. If you can demonstrate an interest in who she is as a person, she will feel a stronger and deeper connection with you.
For example, you could ask your girlfriend questions about her interests. Watch movies or read books with her so you can talk about them.
Consider trying out her favourite hobbies together if she has any.
Even if you don’t find all of her interests particularly exciting, you can demonstrate your appreciation for her by making time to listen when she wants to talk about the things she enjoys.
6. Allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of her. Discuss your thoughts and feelings with your girlfriend. If you’re not used to being vulnerable, this can be frightening or unsettling at first. However, doing so will help you and your girlfriend form a more meaningful connection and will demonstrate to her that you trust her and are at ease with her.
Being open and vulnerable can also help you get your needs met because your girlfriend will understand and empathise with you more easily.
Method 3: Seeking Professional Assistance
1. Request that your girlfriend join you in couples counselling. If your relationship is extremely strained or stagnant, and you aren’t making much progress on your own, discuss counselling with your girlfriend. An experienced counsellor can assist you in making sense of what is wrong in your relationship and working with both of you to develop strategies for improvement.
Going to couples counselling is also an excellent way to demonstrate to your girlfriend that you are committed to making the relationship work.
Search for good couples counsellors in your area online or ask your doctor for recommendations.
If physical intimacy is a major issue in your relationship, you should consider seeing a sex therapist.
2. If she refuses to accompany you to counselling, go on your own. If your girlfriend refuses to go to counselling with you, don’t push the issue. However, you may still find that seeing a therapist on your own is beneficial. They can advise you on how to approach your relationship in a healthier manner or, if necessary, how to move on.
Look for a therapist who has helped people with relationship problems in the past. A clinical psychologist, a marriage and family therapist, or a licenced clinical social worker may be able to help you.
3. Look into local relationship support groups. Support groups can be extremely beneficial in assisting you to work through your relationship issues. Request a referral from your doctor or therapist for a relationship support group in your area, or conduct an online search for couples support groups in your area.
Professional counsellors can lead support groups, or they can be entirely peer-led.
Being with other couples who are dealing with similar issues can help you gain perspective on your own situation. A group can also provide you and your girlfriend with a safe and supportive environment in which to work through your issues together.
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