Feeling used for sex is a horrible feeling, and the dynamics can frequently leave you wondering if you’re overreacting. Pay attention to how often you spend time together without the expectation of the evening ending in sex, how they respond when you aren’t in the mood or are sick, and whether you feel emotionally connected to this person. To determine whether you are being used or not, trust your instincts and be honest with yourself about your interactions.
Method 1: Analyze Your Interactions
1. Take note of what time of day or night they most frequently contact you. If the texts and calls come late at night, when they’re drunk or lonely, you should think about whether you’re being used for sex. Pay attention to whether you ever hear from them during the day or if they respond to your messages and phone calls in a timely manner.
If they text you every time they’re out drinking at a bar late at night, it’s probably because they’re looking for a hookup.
There may be more depth to the relationship if you talk frequently throughout the day about things other than getting together to have sex.
2. Consider how often you stay in instead of going out on dates. Do they prefer to have you over to their house or have you over to theirs? Do they seem uninterested when you ask them to go out and do something? Keep in mind that this could be done under the guise of being romantic—but staying in means you have a much higher chance of having sex than if you’re out in public.
Some people are simply homebodies, and that’s fine! If the person you’re seeing prefers to spend time at home, consider how often you spend time together that doesn’t result in them initiating sex.
3. Examine how frequently your conversations have a sexual undertone. Examine your text messages to see how frequently the conversation takes on a flirtatious or sexual tone. Consider whether or not you have conversations about mundane topics such as work, hobbies, or amusing events.
Take note of how your conversations go when you’re together. If things always seem to take a sexual turn, it’s most likely because that person is preoccupied with one thing.
4. Take some time to consider whether your needs are being met during sex. If the other person does not take the time to ensure that you both have a satisfying experience, they may be only concerned with their own needs. If you feel unsatisfied and unheard at the end of the night, pay attention to that feeling! It is possible that you should speak up and have a conversation, but it is also possible that they are unconcerned about your needs.
If you ask them to try new things or tell them what you prefer and they don’t listen, it’s a dead giveaway that they’re only there for their own benefit.
5. Consider whether they compliment you on something other than your appearance. Everyone enjoys being complimented on their appearance, but if this person doesn’t seem to notice the other wonderful aspects of you, such as your intelligence, humour, or compassion, they have a one-track mind. It all comes down to whether you feel known and connected, or whether you believe your body is the only thing that matters.
Ask them what they find appealing about you. If their list is mostly physical characteristics, ask them what they like about you that isn’t your looks. This could spark a more in-depth discussion or reveal their true intentions.
6. Think about whether they’ve ever introduced you to any of their friends or family. If you have sex on a regular basis but have never met any of their friends or family, it could indicate that they aren’t interested in having a real relationship with you. Similarly, observe how they react when you suggest introducing them to your friends. Are they interested, or are they always busy?
If you do meet their friends or family, take note of how you are introduced to them. You could even ask the person you’re sleeping with how they describe your relationship to others, or if anyone knows you’re spending time together.
7. Give their actions precedence over their words. Someone may tell you sweet, romantic things about how they want to be together, but if their actions don’t match those sentiments, they may be using you. They don’t want you to meet their friends if they say they want you to but never manage to arrange a hangout. If they say they want to go on nice dates but are always too tired when the time comes, it indicates that it isn’t a true priority for them.
On the other hand, if they say things like, “I just want things to be casual,” or “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” pay attention to them. Those are unequivocal statements about their intentions, and they should not be ignored.
Experimenting with Different Scenarios
1. To see if they agree, ask them to do something that does not involve sex. Choose an activity outside of the house that has nothing to do with hooking up, such as volunteering, working out, attending a community event, or simply meeting up for coffee. Make it clear that you have a commitment afterward and will not be able to hang out with them all day or evening to see if they agree. If they are constantly making excuses or are overly busy, they may be uninterested in anything other than sex.
Send them a text message that says something like, “There’s a super cool event downtown next Saturday morning.” Do you want to meet up for coffee and go for a walk? I have a meeting with my mother that afternoon, but I’d love to spend some time with you beforehand.”
You could also say, “I’ve been feeling a little cooped up recently and need to get out of the house.” “Would you like to join me for a run in the park after work?”
2. Tell them you’re not in the mood and watch what happens. When they go to initiate sex with you the next time you’re together, simply say, “I’m not in the mood.” Let us simply spend time together.” If they stop being charming and affectionate once sex is removed from the equation, it’s a dead giveaway that they were only interested in hooking up.
If they say that’s fine and settle in to just hang out, that’s fantastic! But if they become irritable or leave, you’ll know what to do.
3. Take note of how they behave after the sex has ended. Do they leave soon after you have sex or act as if they are ready to be alone? Do they put their phone down or turn on the television and stop interacting with you? Try engaging them in another activity, such as going out to eat, going to the movies, or simply talking, to see if they want to spend time together after sex.
Take note of how you feel you are treated after sex. There is a reason why you feel ignored or used. You’re probably not being unreasonable or dramatic—trust your instincts.
4. Send them a personal text message and see how they react. Send them a text about a work issue or a disagreement with a friend, and listen to what they say and how long it takes them to respond. Look for expressions of concern, compassion, or advice. If they don’t respond or simply say something flippant like, “That sucks,” they aren’t offering you any emotional support.
Someone who is only interested in sex is unlikely to be concerned about your emotional well-being.
5. Pay attention to how they treat you when you’re sick. Tell them the next time you’re sick or just feeling down. See if they offer to assist you or do something to make you feel better. If they don’t want to see you or talk to you until you’re feeling better, it’s a sign that they’re only concerned with their own needs.
If they check in on you, bring you food, or do something else for you, it shows that they genuinely care about you.
6. Inquire about meeting their friends or inviting them to spend time with yours. If you’re concerned about your relationship being solely about sex, try taking it outside of the bedroom. Try to plan a get-together with their friends at a restaurant or a bar, or invite them to spend time with your friends or family the next time you have plans together.
Pay attention if they always make excuses or are too busy when you want to meet their friends or have them meet yours. It demonstrates that they are uninterested in becoming a larger part of your life.
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