No matter how much you adore a man, there may come a time when you realise that things aren’t going to work out. This can happen in committed relationships, ambiguous relationships, or relationships that never materialised. Regardless of how things played out, there are a few things you can do to help yourself let him go and move on.
Method 1 Part One: Letting Him Go
1. Consider why you want to hang on. Even if you want to let him go consciously, the fact that you haven’t yet suggests that you are subconsciously holding on to him. Ask yourself what it is that you are unable to let go of. It is often not the person, but what he represents: a relationship, the feeling of love, the hope of love, and so on.
2. Accept your defeat. Tell yourself that everything is over. Maybe you used to be in a committed relationship with him, or maybe you never got there. In any case, you’re probably aware that any hopes you had for him have vanished. Before you can move on, you must be honest with yourself about that point.
Holding on to false hope and expecting things to go your way will only make you more unhappy when they don’t.
3. Be sad. Crying isn’t something to be ashamed of. Something tragic has occurred in your life. You have suffered a loss, and as with any loss, you will experience periods of grief and rage. Instead of trying to suppress your emotions, express them all.
The end of any relationship can cause you to go through the typical stages of grief. You’ll be in denial about what happened, followed by feelings of hurt and guilt. Following that, you will most likely experience anger, followed by a stage of bargaining in which you may convince yourself that you can change for his sake. The final stage is usually marked by depression and loneliness.
After you’ve worked through your grief, you’ll arrive at a point of acceptance. Unfortunately, you can only achieve that state of acceptance by working through the natural stages as they occur.
4. Keep in mind both the good and the bad. Some people want to remember only the good things in their lives. Others will only remember the negative. However, either option is less than ideal because focusing on one side will skew your memory. Remembering both the good and bad will help you keep your thoughts and feelings in check.
It is estimated that approximately 20% of people complicate their grief by yearning for romanticised memories. As a result, it’s easy to put the guy you lost on a pedestal and remember all of your interactions with him as positive.
You don’t have to demonise him, but you must acknowledge that he was only human and that the relationship had flaws.
5. Stop pointing fingers. You can’t blame him for everything that went wrong, but you also can’t blame yourself for everything that went wrong. Both of you are probably guilty, and the majority of what went wrong could very well have been beyond your and his control.
Even if you force an apology from him for the hurtful things he did, the pain will remain, so there isn’t much point in continuing on that path.
Rephrase your negative thoughts to create neutral perspectives. Instead of telling yourself, “I wanted this from the relationship, but he never gave it to me,” tell yourself, “Our goals were not compatible.”
6. Make a fresh start. Cutting off all ties with him is one of the simplest yet most difficult aspects of letting a guy go. Remove his phone number from your phone. Stop stalking him on the internet. Remove all traces of him from your home, including gifts, items he left behind, and so on.
If you have to see the guy on a regular basis, such as at work or school, it may be difficult to make a clean break. Maintain a professional demeanour with him in these situations. Don’t talk to him during breaks, and don’t go looking for him if you don’t have a work or school-related reason to.
Part Two of Method 2: Accepting Yourself
1. Discover the love that exists within you. You’ve been craving his love, and as a result, you’ve been focusing solely on an external source of love. Find the loving spirit within you and apply it to yourself. Simply put, learn to love yourself again.
Loving yourself is more important than anything else, but keep in mind that loving yourself will make it easier for a future romantic interest to fall in love with you as well.
2. Accept that there are some things over which you have no control. You may have done something wrong with regard to him, but many of the reasons things ended were completely out of your control. This includes both his emotions and outside influences.
You have no control over how another person feels or treats you. You can only control how you react to that person and what he does.
Similarly, if outside factors, such as financial difficulties, put strain on your relationship, the majority of those will be beyond your control as well.
3. Let go of your regrets. Regrets are natural when confronted with a situation like this. Instead of ignoring your regrets, acknowledge them and release them into the world by sharing them in some way, such as telling a close friend.
Another option is to express your regrets and complaints in writing. Keep a journal for that purpose, or type everything out on your computer. When you’ve finished the journal or are satisfied with what you’ve written, you can throw it away. It is often therapeutic to do so.
Avoid sharing your regrets with the guy in question, even if you’re still friends and he says he’s fine with it. Sharing your regrets with him will only strengthen your emotional bond with him, making it more difficult to let him go.
4. You must forgive yourself. Even if you’ve acknowledged the parts that were beyond your control and released your regrets, a part of you may still feel guilty about how things turned out. If this is the case, you must take the time to forgive yourself for any role you may have played in causing things to go wrong.
Recognize your mistakes, but don’t beat yourself up about them. You’re only human, and everyone makes mistakes. You should be able to forgive yourself if you can forgive others for their mistakes.
5. Reconnect with your true self. When you are preoccupied with a relationship or another person, you tend to neglect the things you enjoy doing as an individual. Now that you’re trying to get your mind off the guy in question, go back to old hobbies and interests you had before he came along.
Simultaneously, experiment with new hobbies. Pursue an old interest you’ve never pursued before, or try something completely out of character for you. You can reconnect with who you were while also transforming yourself into a better version of yourself.
6. Speak with someone else. During this time, find a reliable, trustworthy friend or relative to talk to. When you have someone to cry on, the healing process goes more smoothly, and it is easier to love yourself when you are constantly reminded of the friendship or familial love that others have for you.
Once you’ve moved past the initial grief of your loss, it might be a good idea to ask your friends to stop you after about 10 minutes of venting. It will lighten their load, but it will also keep you from dwelling on and drowning in your emotions.
If you don’t have a friend or relative to confide in, you could consult with a counsellor.
7. Rejuvenate your entire being. You’re probably preoccupied with yourself as an emotional being right now. However, you must also take care of yourself as a physical, mental, and spiritual being. Addressing each aspect of your being will help you become more balanced, making emotional well-being easier to achieve.
Focus on the positive aspects of your current situation to aid in your emotional healing. This can include having loving friends and family, having a fulfilling career, or doing anything else that makes you happy.
Take care of your spiritual self by praying, meditating, or becoming more involved in your religion (if you have one).
Keep your mind busy and away from the past to improve your mental health. Learn new things and engage in new experiences to push yourself.
Your physical health is also crucial. You can treat yourself to a tub of ice cream every now and then, but it’s far better for your overall health if you balance out your comfort food cravings with exercise and physical activity as well.
Part Three of Method 3: Looking Ahead
1. Understand that there is no such thing as wasted time. Whether you spent one year or twenty years on this guy, your time was not wasted. After all, you learned and grew as a person. Your life may not be where you want it to be right now, and your obsession with him may be partly to blame, but that doesn’t mean the experiences you did have were in vain.
Concentrate on the aspects of your life that have grown while your love life has remained stagnant. This could include new friendships, improved family relationships, advancement in your career, or increased interest in your hobbies. Any forward movement, no matter how small, is a good thing.
2. Consider the experience. Consider both the positives and the negatives, and apply the lessons you learned at the time to your current and future lives. You may want to put the whole thing behind you, but learning from past mistakes and triumphs will make you a better person in the long run.
3. Determine your priorities. Ask yourself what you truly want out of life and what is most important to you. It will be easier to peel your focus away from the guy you lost if you figure out where your focus should be.
Love can still be a priority, but focus on the opportunities to love that are still available to you in the form of friendships and family relationships. You can wish for romantic love, but for the time being, set it aside and focus on other things.
4. Put your fear aside and think about the possibilities. The future can be a frightening concept, especially when your plans for the future have been abruptly altered. Instead of being afraid of the unknown, consider all of the possibilities that it may hold for you.
Fear causes you to cling to what is familiar and to things from your past that made you happy, even if those things are causing you pain in the present.
Thinking about the possibilities will get your mind going on how you can improve yourself. The excitement of a new beginning can often help to alleviate the pain of an ending.
5. Have faith in the future. It’s easy to believe that after letting go of a guy you cared deeply about, you’ll never fall in love again. If you tell yourself that too often, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, tell yourself that you will have more opportunities for love in the future, even if you don’t want to make it a priority right now.
You must let go of the old before you can embrace the new, so your future relationships will only thrive after you let go of this guy.
Understanding that your future love happiness is dependent on you letting go of this guy can assist you in moving on.
The pain you felt during your breakup does not have to define your future. It may be tempting to put up barriers or be cynical about future relationships, but doing so will not make you happy. In the future, try to keep your heart open to love.
6. Consider the next person before he arrives. Create an ideal man in your mind. Give him all of the positive qualities that the previous guy lacked, and convince yourself that such a man exists and is just waiting to be discovered. It may be easier to let go of your past if you tell yourself that someone better awaits you in the future.
Consider a guy who can provide you with what you never received from the guy you lost, and consider developing a more positive relationship with him.
But try to be a little more realistic about it. Don’t picture a perfect guy with no flaws and then expect to meet him. Consider a guy who lacks any “deal breaker” characteristics that would make a healthy relationship with him impossible.
7. Be reasonable in your expectations. The chances of reuniting with the guy you lost are slim. You will not be able to solve all of your problems by falling in love with another man. Your current pain will go away eventually, but it will take time. Recognize all of the unpleasant truths about the future so that you can set realistic expectations for what is to come. To avoid future disappointments, be both optimistic and realistic.
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