You’re out with your boyfriend, and at the end of the meal, the check arrives, and he grabs it and pays once more. In an age when people seem to vacillate between new world ideals and old world values, it can be difficult to know how to act or react when your boyfriend is footing the bill for everything. It may appear to be a sensitive subject, but it does not have to be overly complicated. You can decide where you stand on the issue and then figure out how to express your gratitude or reach an alternative agreement.
Method 1: Determining Your Position
1. Consider how you feel. Take some time to ask yourself how you feel when he pays for everything. If you’re reading this, there’s a chance you’re uncomfortable with it for one reason or another. Understand that there is no right or wrong way to do things, only how you feel about them. Ask yourself why you are or are not okay with it.
Do you enjoy being spoiled or pampered by him?
Are you worried that he’s paying for everything even though he doesn’t have the money?
Do you have any concerns that he may feel obliged or obligated for some reason?
Is it upsetting to you when he refuses to let you pay for something or even split the bill in half?
Is he offering to pay because he believes you cannot afford to pay?
Do you feel obligated to him, as if you have to give in to his demands because he pays? This can include any effects on your physical relationship or your ability to control the relationship.
Do you think he gets paid to brag?
2. Consider the state of your relationship. Consider where you are in the relationship and why he is acting this way. Have you recently begun dating? Or are you simply “seeing each other” and haven’t made it official yet? If this is the case, he may be paying for everything in order to impress you or because everything is new. Perhaps you and your partner simply have opposing views on money. If you’ve been dating for a while and he’s always paid, he may feel obligated to continue paying, or it may be time to reconsider how you manage finances as a couple.
3. Speak with him to learn why he always pays. Asking him is the only way to truly understand why he might be paying for everything and how he feels about it. It could be something very important to him, or he may feel compelled to do so in order to impress you. Money can be a touchy subject, so make sure you have the conversation carefully and calmly.
Start a new topic. ”Hey, I’ve noticed you always pay when we go out. Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy being pampered by you! I was just wondering if that’s something you enjoy doing or if it’s something you feel obligated to do.”
Let him know if you’re worried about missing out on certain dates or trips because he doesn’t have enough money to pay for both of you and doesn’t want you to pay anything. “I just don’t want us to miss out on opportunities because you feel obligated to pay all the time. I can also pay at times.”
4. Remind him that he does not have to foot the bill for everything just to impress you. Maybe you’re just starting out dating, or maybe he’s set an expectation that he feels obligated to meet. He may believe that he must pay for everything in order to impress or continue to impress you. Inform him that this is not the case, or remind him on a regular basis.
“You know I love you, whether you take me out or we just hang out at home.
“Just so you know, I’m not impressed by your money; I’m impressed by you.”
Tell him about other aspects of his personality that you admire that do not involve him paying for things.
5. If you don’t like it, tell him. Let your boyfriend know if paying for everything bothers you. It is critical to maintain open and honest communication in your relationship. Choose a time when both of you are calm to discuss it. Instead of attacking him or blaming him, explain your side of the storey. Use “I” or “me” statements to keep the focus on how you’re feeling, and make finding a solution your goal.
“I’m wondering if you think I can’t take care of myself or you.”
“I’d like to pay for myself every now and then. It’s significant to me.”
“It gives me the impression that you and I are not on equal footing. What can we do to change this?”
Method 2: Allowing Him to Pay
1. When he pays, thank him. If you’ve decided that you don’t mind if he pays, the first step is to thank him when he does. Take pleasure in the fact that you have a caring boyfriend who wants to spoil you.  Be specific, and make sure you thank him for whatever experience he provided you with. Try saying something along the lines of:
”Thank you very much for dinner. That was the best lasagna I’ve ever had!”
”Tonight was fantastic. Thank you very much. I’m glad you were there; that movie was terrifying!”
”I can’t believe I was able to see my favourite band! This is something I’ll remember for the rest of my life. Thank you very much!”
2. Tell him he’s not required to. Even if you’ve discussed it and decided you’re fine with him paying for everything, make sure he knows he doesn’t have to. Tell him every now and then that he doesn’t always have to pay. As you progress in your relationship, he’ll understand that it’s okay if he has to cut back or stop at some point due to financial difficulties. He’ll realise he can talk to you about it without feeling embarrassed.
3. Reciprocate. If he enjoys treating you, find your own ways to treat him or make him feel special. Make a meal or dessert for him on special occasions if you are good at cooking or baking. You can make something special for him if you are artistic. You can also do something unusual with him, such as watching a sporting event or game. Simply put in a little extra time and effort to ensure that he, too, feels valued.
You should not feel obligated to do anything in exchange for your boyfriend taking you out on a date. Whatever you do, make sure you’re comfortable with it and that you’re doing it because you want to, not because you have to.
4. To avoid arguments, revisit the discussion. Make it a habit to discuss money issues with your partner on a regular basis in order to keep your relationship in good shape. If you notice little squabbles about who pays for what, or if you notice him becoming stressed about paying for things, it’s probably time to talk.
Introduce the subject. ”Hey, is everything all right? You appear to be stressed.”
Alter your plans for the evening. “We aren’t required to go out tonight. Why don’t we stay at home and I’ll make something?”
Remind him that the two of you are in this together. “You should know that you can talk to me about anything. I know we just want to make each other happy.”
Making a Different Agreement (Method 3)
1. Make a payment offer. If you’ve decided that you don’t want him to pay and have discussed it, the first step is to start changing his behaviour. Offer to pay the bill the next time you’re out. Because you haven’t offered to pay, he may be paying all the time. There shouldn’t be any disagreements now that you’ve discussed it and expressed your feelings about it. Try to be lighthearted about it, keeping your tone upbeat and upbeat.
”Nope! It’s my turn!”
”Hey, you’ve probably covered the last ten meals. I’ll pay tonight.”
If he pulls out his wallet, say, “Uh-uh, mister, put it away.” Tonight is entirely on me.”
2. Dividing the bill in half is a good idea. Another option is to offer to split the bill in half or to “go Dutch” with the bill (each person paying for what they ordered). It doesn’t have to be a big deal; just tell him you’d like to pay for yourself every now and then, beginning with this bill.
Another option is to divide the bill into items. Instead of splitting in half or for what you ordered, agree to split up by parts. For instance, if he pays for dinner, you must pay for drinks and dessert. If you’re going to the movies, he can pay for the tickets while you cover the costs of drinks and popcorn.
3. You must pay for alternate dates. You can also take turns paying for which dates. This also works well with friends. If he pays for dinner one night, you must pay the next time you go out. Then he pays for the next date you have, and so on. This is a good way to evenly distribute payment responsibility without having to do check math every time the bill arrives.
4. Go on cheap or free dates. If you are uncomfortable with him paying for everything, but you are unable to reach an agreement, then plan dates that are very inexpensive or free. There are a plethora of low-key, fun activities that are both inexpensive and enjoyable. This way, you can still date and have fun without having to worry about who is going to pay or getting into an argument about it.
You and your boyfriend could, for example, go hiking or biking in a nearby park, visit the beach, attend a free outdoor concert in your community, or stay in for a movie night.
Creative Commons License