So you’re not a naturally laid-back Casanova. Don’t worry, most people are more like Rajesh Koothrappali from The Big Bang Theory than James Bond. Being shy around girls is not an uncommon problem, and as such, it is one that you and others can learn to deal with. Girls, like you, are human beings with many insecurities. You’ll be on your way to smooth in no time with a little planning and coaching.
Part 1: Increasing Your Confidence
1. Improve your self-esteem. If you want to be comfortable around girls, you must first be comfortable in your own skin. Most women are more naturally sensitive to social cues and signals than men, so if you’re an insecure phoney, they’ll notice. To boost your self-esteem, challenge your negative thoughts and reinforce your positive ones.
2. Learn to be at ease by yourself. You can’t smell like desperation. You must be at ease on your own so that you are not reliant on the approval of others. You’ll feel far more at ease around girls if you’re not reliant on them for approval and self-validation.
3. Discover something new. Self-improvement is essential for becoming comfortable and confident in your own skin. You don’t have to be a genius to improve your knowledge and learn new skills, but doing so will help you become more self-assured and confident.
When a girl asks you what’s new, you’ll always have an interesting answer!
4. Get in shape by exercising. You don’t have to look like a bodybuilder or athlete to benefit from taking positive steps to improve your physical health. Not only will you feel more attractive, but your brain will release mood and confidence-boosting endorphins, which will boost your self-esteem long before you notice a difference in how you look.
Improving your physical fitness and participating in activities that challenge you will boost your confidence and get you used to pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone.
Part 2: Sharpening Your Skills
1. Get used to being around women. Make an effort to spend as much time as possible with females. Prepare yourself for their presence. To start a conversation, look for common ground (or mention your new knowledge, hobby, or skill!). If you stay behind a computer screen, no matter how hard you work on everything else, you’ll never learn to be comfortable around girls.
More importantly, the more time you spend with a girl, the more likely she is to enjoy your company. There are obviously exceptions to being overbearing, but in general, girls will like you more when they are around you more.
2. Make use of social groups. You don’t have to start by going out on your own and spending one-on-one time with a girl. You can meet and spend time with girls through mutual friend groups. Make the decision to interact with girls individually when given the opportunity in this situation. If things get awkward or you start to feel nervous, you automatically have the safety net of a group for both parties to hang out with.
You can also use a social group as a low-pressure opportunity to invite a girl to spend time with you that she might not have done otherwise. As an example: “Hey Becky, my friends and I were planning on seeing the new movie. Have you had a chance to see it yet? We thought you might be interested in coming.”
3. Participate in person. It’s time to practise connecting with others. Try to listen for and observe the habits and interests of girls in an unobtrusive manner. Make use of these observations to strike up a conversation with a woman. More often than not, they’ll be eager to discuss the topic, providing you with a low-stress opportunity to listen while they drive the majority of the conversation. As an example:
Compliment a girl on her new hairstyle and inquire as to why she chose to change it.
When you see a girl wearing school or community sports attire, tell her you enjoy the sport and ask how long she has been playing.
When you notice a girl’s tan, ask if she’s been to the beach recently.
Examine her palm calluses or scraped shins and inquire as to when she began weightlifting.
4. Make additional contact. Once you’ve established rapport, you can try to obtain girls’ phone numbers or social media contact information. This doesn’t have to look like you’re asking a girl out, but it’s still good practise! Chatting via text can help you learn to talk to girls in any situation.
Make an effort not to become too reliant on electronic communication! It’s a good start and practise, but it’s not everything!
5. Don’t be discouraged by rejection. It’s fine if a girl declines your request for her contact information. It shouldn’t shake your confidence, and you shouldn’t become pushy as a result. Over half of the time, even the best baseball players fail to reach base. Don’t be disheartened by rejection.
Occasional rejection and disappointment are beneficial. Being rejected and then rebounding will condition you to realise that rejection is completely normal and acceptable!
Part 3: Getting Started
1. Exhibit friendly body language. Your body language has a lot to say! You don’t want to be telling girls you’re nervous or, worse, that you don’t want to talk to them. Your words may sound comfortable and engaging, but if your body language is off, they will be as nervous as you are, making the interaction awkward.
A smile can do wonders! Maintain an open hips and shoulders to potential conversation partners (crossed or folded arms and hands are bad!)
While speaking, use appropriate hand motions, gestures, and eye contact. You’ll appear more engaging, and the physical movement will relieve stress while also relaxing and soothing you.
When appropriate, make friendly physical contact. A tap on the forearm to draw attention or a touch on the shoulder when passing are perfectly acceptable and simple physical icebreakers.
2. Take part in a conversation. Girls are, in fact, very similar to men in that they enjoy discussing many of the same topics. Find common interests and focus on them, or let her know you’re interested in hers. Conversations with girls are probably easier than you think, especially when you’re talking about something you’re already interested in.
What is the most important aspect of a conversation? Being an attentive listener. Both men and women will gladly pour out their hearts and minds if you are a good listener. The best part is that you won’t even have to talk too much if you don’t want to.
The most important communication skill you can have is the ability to listen. Being a good listener shows that you care about the other person rather than focusing on yourself.
3. Do things with your friends. Doing things together is the simplest way to not only break the ice but also build comfort in a relationship. This does not have to take the form of a date. Nervousness is less likely to creep in when your attention is focused on a specific task or activity. It is a much less stressful way of establishing comfort and getting to know one another than a lengthy one-on-one conversation or date.
Look for activities that involve shared interests or responsibilities. Take your dogs for a walk or do your homework together.
Suggest new adventures in which you and your partner might be interested. If you both try something new, you’ll be more nervous and focused on the new activity than on your anxiety about being around a girl.
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