How to Hate a Person You Loved a Lot

When someone you care about deeply hurts you, it can be difficult to move on. It may feel like the best thing to do is turn your love into hate, but this will only make things worse for you because hate isn’t the polar opposite of love — they’re both strong emotions that consume a lot of your energy. If you want to stop feeling the pain of losing someone you care about (whether through a breakup, a fight, death, or something else), the best thing you can do is deal with your emotions and work on moving on with your life.

Part 1

Getting Rid of Reminders

1. Remove the person’s contact information. You should delete this person’s contact information if they will no longer be a part of your life. This may help you avoid calling, texting, or emailing them.

You may recall their phone number or email address, but removing them from your phone, computer, tablet, address book, and so on can make it more difficult to contact them quickly.

For example, deleting your ex’s contact information from your phone will make it less tempting to simply tap their name and send a text or call them — at the very least, it will make you think twice before doing so.

2. You should block their phone number. If the person continues to call or text you, if you have a smart phone, you can download an app that blocks their calls and texts so you don’t get notifications.

This is especially useful if you’re trying hard not to think about them, because every time they call or text, you’ll be reminded of them and may be tempted to respond.

3. Email should be filtered. If they frequently contact you via email, direct their messages to a separate folder rather than your inbox. You can accomplish this by setting up an email filter — instructions for doing so will vary depending on the provider.

4. Block the individual on social media. If you’re having trouble getting over someone, having them on your Facebook, Twitter, and so on is a bad idea. Rather than simply deleting them, block them; this way, you won’t see anything they post, and vice versa.

It may be tempting to check out what the individual is up to on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or another social media site. Avoid the urge to check in on them; doing so will only make it more difficult to move on with your life.

5. Delete previous communications. Delete old texts and other communications like emails, Facebook messages, WhatsApp chats, and so on. You have more important things to do with your time than obsess over old messages.

6. Before erasing photographs, consider your options carefully. Before you get rid of photos, consider whether they depict a period in your life that you want to forget forever.

You may look back on the relationship, or at least the time period in your life, with fondness as time passes.

If you’re afraid you’ll regret getting rid of the photos, put them in a box or on a flash drive and give them to a friend to keep until you’re well enough to look at them again.

7. Put physical objects in a box. Remove anything that reminds you of the person from your room or house. You might want to keep those items in a box until you’re ready to deal with them.

You may want to donate or even burn those items at some point, but for now, just put them somewhere safe so they don’t serve as constant reminders of your loss.

If you do decide to burn things, make sure you do so in a safe place where having a fire is legal, such as an outdoor fire pit, rather than your bedroom floor.

Part 2

Working Through Your Feelings

1. Recognize that you have power over your emotions. Studies have shown that when we view our emotions scientifically, as controllable (albeit possibly unexpected) points of data in the experiment of life, we have a better chance of regulating them.

If you got unexpected results in an experiment, you’d look at the experiment to see where it went wrong and then analyse the results in light of the deviation. You would then devise a strategy for your next steps. It may appear sociopathic, but approaching your broken heart in this manner can be beneficial.

You may not feel like you have control over your emotions right now, but with practise, you can train your brain to respond in a controlled manner, such as viewing things calmly and objectively rather than taking them personally.

2. Accept your emotions. Losing someone you care about can send you into a tailspin of emotions, including shock, numbness, disbelief, anger, sadness, fear, and even relief and happiness. You may even experience some of these at the same time.

Instead of fighting your emotions, try to accept them and let them be. Taking a step back and attempting to observe and detach yourself from your emotions can be beneficial. Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is completely normal.

You could tell yourself, “I’m grieving the loss of this relationship, and these are the feelings that come with it.”

3. Make a note of your emotions. This can be accomplished by writing them down or recording yourself speaking about them. The important thing is not to keep your emotions bottled up inside, as this can make moving on more difficult.

Some experts recommend keeping a journal every day. This can help you connect with your emotions and even figure out how to deal with them.

If you’re out and about and need to vent, use a notepad or a note-taking app on your phone to jot down your thoughts.

When you want to communicate with the person you miss or are upset with, writing down your feelings can be especially helpful. Instead of contacting them, write them a letter or record yourself telling them what you want to say. However, do not send them the message. This is only to assist you. You might even find it useful to destroy the letter/recording once you’re finished with it.

4. Don’t berate yourself. A relationship requires two people to begin and two people to end. Because you can only control yourself, you did not have complete control over the relationship.

Don’t replay the relationship in your head over and over. Don’t ruminate on what could have been done differently; it’s over, and in any case, it may have had little to do with you; for example, you may have simply desired different things in life.

Instead of asking yourself, “Why me?” or telling yourself, “I’m worthless,” consider what you would have changed about your behaviour and use that to grow and move on.

Rather than beating yourself up, focus on self-care. You can begin by feeling proud of yourself for being mature enough to want to learn from this experience.

5. Keep in mind the bad things. When a relationship ends, many of us focus on the positive aspects and torture ourselves by imagining what we’re missing out on. By reminding yourself of the negative aspects of your relationship, you can begin to see the breakup as a positive.

Think about whether the person brought out things in you that you didn’t like, in addition to the things you didn’t like about them and the relationship — for example, “When I was with you, I was flakey to my friends and always ditched them for you.” I also stopped doing my own hobbies and felt like I was just becoming a version of you.”

Making a list of all the negative aspects of the relationship can be beneficial; just make sure to keep it in a safe place or destroy it. Don’t show it to anyone else, especially the person you’re attempting to win over. It will only add to the drama and make it more difficult for you to move on.

6. Don’t despise the person. When someone does something hurtful to another person, it frequently stems from a place of pain within that person. That is why it is critical to view them with compassion.

Rather than being enraged and angry at them, try to feel sorry for them. They could be dealing with something on a conscious or unconscious level that you are unaware of.

7. Discuss your feelings with people you trust. According to research, people recover faster from trauma if they can talk about it. Reach out to people you know will take your feelings seriously and help console you, whether they are friends and family or people you’re close with online.

Talking to people who are dismissive of your feelings will only make you feel worse.

If you’re really struggling with your emotions, you might think about seeing a therapist. A good therapist will be able to give you practical advice on how to move forward.

While it is healthy to talk about your feelings, you must ensure that it is not the only thing you talk about, or you risk alienating those closest to you. If you’re concerned that you’re talking about it too much, ask the person you’re speaking with how they’re feeling. A good friend will tell you what’s going on without getting upset with you.

8. Don’t linger. While it is necessary to express your emotions, studies have shown that if you dwell on them excessively, you may suffer the same negative consequences as if you kept your emotions bottled up.

According to studies, focusing on yourself and failing to take action to get out of your own head and lift your mood can lead to long-term depression.

9. Be gentle with yourself. Healing from a failed relationship takes time; don’t expect to be over it overnight. You may never completely stop loving this person, but the love will fade with time.

It’s likely that one day you’ll be able to look back and smile at how much you thought you loved this person, when all they are to you now is a memory of a very different time in your life.

10. Maintain a positive attitude. You will have good and bad days as you try to get over this person. Being positive does not imply ignoring your bad days; rather, it entails believing that the good ones will return.

You might even find it difficult to get out of bed some days. That’s fine. Maintain a positive attitude about it. Allowing yourself to spend an entire day in bed reading, watching movies, or listening to sad music and crying your eyes out can be beneficial. Tell yourself, “Okay, I’ll take this day to acknowledge my sadness, but I’ll go for a run tomorrow.” I know I have the strength to get through this.”

Part 3

Learning Mental Tricks for Letting Go

1. Consider your relationship to be an experiment. Examine the information from your failed relationship. Where did everything go wrong? According to research, viewing your relationship scientifically can help you regain a better sense of self and heal faster after a breakup.

Try to take a step back and consider what factors may have contributed to the breakup. Just don’t spend too much time on it — you’re trying to learn a lesson and grow from it, not punish yourself for where you went wrong.

This does not necessarily imply reflecting on where you went wrong. It could even be as simple as, “We are actually very different people with very different goals.”

You can have fun with this by devoting a few hours to it and treating it as an experiment, complete with charts and graphs.

2. Take a lesson. When we see our mistakes as opportunities to learn, it is easier to accept them in life. Viewing the end of your relationship as a learning experience may help you see it in a more positive light.

It’s common to feel as if you’ve squandered your time after a breakup. It is not a waste of time if you view the relationship as a learning experience. Things that assist you in growing and learning are not a waste of time.

3. Untangle your sense of self from that of the other person. When someone you care about dies, it can feel as if you’ve lost half of yourself. It will assist you in moving on to rebuild your sense of self apart from the person you loved and lost.

Simply labelling a page “Who am I?” or “What makes me, me?” and then noting your responses is a good writing exercise for developing your sense of self.

4. Do not prevent yourself from thinking about the person. According to research, prohibiting yourself from thinking about something will only make you think about it more.

Instead of telling yourself not to think about the person you want to get over, gently remind yourself that they are no longer a part of your life, and then redirect your attention to something that benefits you.

5. Allow yourself a certain number of minutes each day to reflect on the person. When someone we care about dies, our minds can become consumed with memories of them. Not thinking about the person does not work, but telling yourself “not now, later” does.

When a thought about the person enters your mind, push it away and tell yourself that you’ll return to it when you’ve reached the time of day when you’re allowed to think about that person.

You can sit quietly and think about them all you want when the time comes. Set a timer to ensure you don’t overstay your welcome. You could start with two 10-minute sessions per day, one in the morning and one in the evening.

Try not to let the person be the last thing on your mind every night. If possible, read an interesting book or practise yoga before going to bed; thoughts of the person may still enter your mind, but you can tell them to leave you alone until the next time you’ve set to think about them.

6. Consider yourself letting go. Sit in a comfortable position and try to imagine a box in front of you. Close the lid on that box and place all of your memories inside.

Hold the fictitious box in your hands, then blow it away. When the thoughts return, tell yourself, “No, those are gone now,” and try to think of something else quickly.

7. Live in the present moment. Every day, try to concentrate on the present moment. Dwelling on the past or the future may only make you want to be somewhere else in time. This is pointless because the only time you have is right now.

It’s still important to set goals and work toward them, but you don’t have to think about them all the time. If you do, you may become so preoccupied with the future that you neglect the tasks that must be completed in the present in order to achieve your objectives!

You don’t want to look back on your life a year from now and realise that you squandered the previous year being depressed and doing nothing because you were so depressed about the loss of that relationship.

8. Make a happy face. According to studies, even if you’re feeling down, the simple act of smiling can make you feel better. Try it right now: raise the corners of your mouth and hold them there for at least 30 seconds.

At the very least, you might get a kick out of how insane you appear, staring at your computer and pretending to smile in an attempt to elicit a real one.

If you’re having trouble with this, try watching some stand-up comedy or something else that will put a smile on your face, no matter how small.

Part 4

Keeping Yourself Healthy

1. Put yourself in your own way. Do things that will keep you from succumbing to the temptation to contact the person you’re trying to break up with. This entails making plans on nights when you know you’ll be missing them the most, as well as staying busy.

Make plans for Friday night if you know you’ll be lonely that night and want to call them. Even if you’re depressed and don’t want to do anything, do this. While you’re out with others, make plans and try to live in the moment.

2. Have fun with others as well as by yourself. Take up new or revisit old hobbies and socialise. The key is to have fun without the person you loved, because you are capable of doing so, no matter how impossible it may appear.

You must do things to improve your mood; otherwise, you will become depressed as you dwell on your situation.

Music, art, sports, dance, movies, video games, reading, cooking, attending plays or local festivals, visiting museums, and so on are examples of hobbies.

3. Get yourself a new addiction. According to experts, the best way to break an old habit is to start a new one. Begin a new hobby or rediscover an old favourite.

When you start to feel sad and as if something is missing, focus your energy on your new habit rather than on your lost love.

This is not to say that you should start dating someone new or otherwise try to replace the person you loved with someone else. That would be a bad thing to do.

4. Determine your identity. When you feel like a piece of yourself is missing from a relationship, it can be difficult to let go. Rebuild your sense of self in the absence of that person.

Spending time alone to explore your hobbies, feelings, and so on is a good way to accomplish this. For the first few weeks or months, this may not be possible. When you’re ready, you won’t be thinking about that person every waking second of the day.

5. Take proper care of yourself. When you’re going through a difficult time, it’s more important than ever to take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. Do things that make you happy on the inside and out.

Eat well, drink plenty of water, get plenty of sleep and exercise, meditate — you might even treat yourself to a new outfit or a haircut.

According to experts, the primary trigger for indulging in addictions, including exes, is stress. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, tired, or otherwise stressed out, you’ll have a harder time resisting the urge to connect with the person you’re trying to avoid.

According to research, nurturing the parts of yourself that were neglected during a relationship can assist you in moving on.

6. Avoid using unhealthy coping strategies. Consider what unhealthy behaviours you engage in when you are upset or stressed, and try to avoid them. Drinking, using drugs, eating too much or too little, isolating yourself from loved ones, engaging in aggressive or violent behaviour, spending too much time on the Internet, or pretty much any other excessive behaviour are examples of common unhealthy coping behaviours (gaming, shopping, watching pornography, exercising etc.).

For example, if you know you have a tendency to binge eat, try going for a walk or a run, or doing something with your hands like drawing or crafts.

7. Do not seek vengeance. When you feel you’ve been wronged, it’s natural to want justice; however, studies have shown that, far from making people feel better, revenge actually increases stress and impairs health.

According to some studies, taking revenge can actually force you to replay the situation in your head, whereas not taking revenge helps to make the situation seem less significant, making it easier to forget.

8. Recognize your worth. You are not a worthless individual. That person you cared about did not abandon you; things simply did not work out. Knowing you’re a worthy person isn’t arrogant (as long as you don’t think you’re more worthy than others).

If you’re having trouble seeing your own worth, make a list of the things you like about yourself. It may only be one thing on the first day, and even that may be difficult, but if you do it every day, maybe within a week you’ll be able to come up with five positive things about yourself — maybe after a few months you’ll be able to fill a page.

Part 5

Moving Forward

1. Recognize that you have control over your life. You are solely responsible for your own happiness and life choices. Nobody else is doing it. If you don’t do anything to improve your mood and change your life, you’ll be sad and may even fall into a depression.

If you’ve been hurt by someone, don’t let them hurt you any more by sinking into a depression that could stall your life.

2. Set objectives. Having meaningful goals to strive for will provide you with a compelling reason to stop dwelling on the person you lost and begin working to improve your life.

For example, if you are about to graduate from high school and enrol in a college programme that you will enjoy, set a goal for yourself to achieve the highest possible grade point average and admission to a college programme that you will enjoy.

If you’re not sure what you want to do with your life, take some time to consider your options. Consult a career counsellor if you are still in school. If you aren’t sure, ask some close friends and family about your strengths and what they believe you would be good at.

3. You should be aware that you will meet someone else. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you’ll meet someone who works even better with you. When you meet them, you’ll be relieved that things didn’t work out with the person you’re currently trying to get over.

The more you learn about what works, the easier it will be to find someone who is a better fit for you.

4. When you’re ready to start a new relationship, you’ll know. There is no set time frame for getting over someone. It varies depending on the person and the relationship; some people may only require a few months, while others may require years.

If you continue to think about your ex on a regular basis, you will be unable to devote the necessary attention to a healthy new relationship.

Before embarking on a new relationship, it is critical to have faith in yourself. If you are afraid of being alone, now is not the time to begin something new.

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